Well, Sunday was New Year's Eve...and our household was abuzz with activity.

Let's see...I remember it as if it were just a couple days ago...

My mother-in-law gets us a new ceiling fan for the loft at our cabin for Christmas...thanks to much hinting by the wife...hinting my butt...she just told her, "we want a new ceiling fan." Well, by Sunday (New Year's Eve) the fan's almost a week old and still not installed. That's six months in wife years...soooo, I begrudgingly agree to install the thing on New Year's Eve day. Hey, I've put in quite a few ceiling fans before...what could go wrong...how long could it take...I'd have it installed in plenty of time to go meet our friends for an early NYE happy hour.

OK...let's see...get my tools together...check...take down the old fan...check...prep the wiring for the new fan...check...install the bracket for the new fan...che...ARGGHHHH...jabbed in the right temple by one of the wires sticking outta the junction box. OK...no biggee...merely a flesh wound...carry on. Got the new bracket installed...time to assemble the new fan...*&^#4%$^...not enough screws to mount the fan blades...maybe I have some laying 'round the shop that'll work...after an hour or so...discover the missing bolts are actually already screwed into the fan motor holding the anti-rotation-plastic-lock-thingy's in place...disaster averted.

OK...new fan is assembled and ready to hang...up the ladder I go. Let's see...all I gotta do is hang it on the temporary hook while I wire it up...ok, just a little higher...ok, just get the hook in the loop...c'mon ya little bastid, get in there...just a quarter inch more...get in there ya little *(#&*(()#W**...quit swiveling ya little *&((W&&@#...there it is...ARGGHHHH...spasms in the back. Seems the back...or at least mine...doesn't tolerate arching back that far. That's ok...if I get the li'l missus to help I can still get this thing installed.

"Honeeeey, I've strained my back...can you come up here and help me finish this?" Honey tops the stairs...takes one look at me...and squeals, "Oh my Gawwwd! How'd you gash your head open?!" It would appear that the wire jab provided just enough acupuncture to numb my face so that I had not felt the torrent of blood streaming dowm my face from said wire jab. Well, at least, the loss of blood explained the dizziness I forgot to mention. That, coupled with my now hunched-back posture, combined to portray me as the fine specimen of manhood that I am. Anyways, back to the task at hand.

OK...time to wire her up. Heh heh...not gonna get me this time...already flipped off the breaker...a thinkin man...good to go. With the help of the missus handing me this 'n that, I get her all wired up (the fan, not the missus) and go to hang her permanently...push her up into place...get the first screw in...ok, get in there ya little bastid...just a little more...whaddaya mean the holes aren't quite lining up? Anyone seeing a pattern here?! Ok, just a little more muscle...argghhhh...back spasming...spasming BADDDDD! ARRGGGHHHH!!! OK, OK come down the ladder to take a break...let the back calm down...one step to go...almost down...skip the last step...not by intent...land hard on the floor...at a bad angle...on my bad knee of course...POP!...CRACK!...ARRGGGHHH!...knee's blown and I'm on the floor writhing and squealing in agony! Wife can't quite see what happened...steps 'round to my side of the ladder...BLOOD...BLOOD EVERYWHERE...on the carpet...on my shirt...smeared all down my arm...she thinks I'm mere minutes away from becoming a 2006 obit. Calm down, Honey...just busted the clot on my forehead...just let me lay here a minute or two I moaned into the carpet.

OK...half a bottle of Advil later...good as new...the evil fan is not gonna win this one...gonna get her installed...even if it kills me...which, at this point, I'm believing could be the sacrifice required of me. Back up the ladder I go...albeit, at a much gingerly and slower pace. Now the holes line right up...WTF! Oh well, don't look a gift horse in the ass I always say! One screw...two screws...three screws...TA-DAAA!...it's in...and I'm still alive!

OK, the hard part's done. Now, just install the light bulb...flip the switch...and watch her whirl in defeat. Flip...flip, flip...flip, flip, flip, flip...*(*(#&W*&R*!!! Oh yeah...the breaker...whew! The li'l missus...in light of my newfound quasimodo condition...kindly volunteers to go to the basement and flip the breaker back on. In my most authoritative, husbandly manner I tell her, "No, you'll never find the right one. I better do it." So I hobble down two flights of stairs from the loft to the basement...and FLIP! What seems like a half-hour of hobbling later, I'm back upstairs at the switch to the newly installed fan. Flip...flip, flip...flip, flip, flip, flip...*(*(#&W*&R*!!! Now, I'm past cursin and am sobbing almost uncontrollably under my breath, "what now...why won't you work?" I'm on the verge of dismantling the fan when the li'l missus asks, "You sure you flipped the right breaker?" OF COURSE I'M SURE! aren't I? So back to the basement for me. Flip the breaker off and back on just to make sure it took. A half-hour later...Flip...flip, flip...flip, flip, flip, flip...*(*(#&W*&R*!!! Check the other lights and outlets in the loft...nothing working! WTF! Whadda hell did I do to the circuit?! *(*(#&W*&R*!!! Back to the basement...*(*(#&W*&R*!!!...been flippin the wrong breaker. Flipped the correct breaker...and everything is right in the world again! Luckily, I HAD flipped the correct breaker before I went to wiring...or this story would have a different ending...and most likely been told by a different author.

Well, the short of it is (too late for that, eh)...that the fan works beautifully...and that we had to have NYE happy hour with our friends via phone, as I was entering a vegetative state on the sofa with no chance of emerging from said state for at least 24 hours. Advil works much better when soaked in tequila!

TJ